…So instead of posting a generic wishlist detailing some of the weaboo goods I so desire, I will post the top ten most awesome things that could happen to you on your birthday. Since this is an anime blog, be sure to expect some of the most nonsensical and impossible things you could ever imagine.
(Alright, my birthday technically ended a few hours ago. But hey, this is better than sitting around playing Disgaea and Touhou all night~)
10. You wake up in bed one morning, and find one (or more) gorgeous-looking girl(s) sleeping on your bed. Bonus points if she’s an alien princess from some far away galaxy with some devil tail or other anthropomorphic body part. Manliness points if she suddenly wants to marry you or screw you for no reason whatsoever.
Unless you’re some pantsy male anime protagonist, which you most certainly are. In which case, you turn her down because hey, you like being a gentlemen and/or using your common sense in situations where you don’t need it. HEYO~
9. If you’re lucky, your female friends invite you to a beach party instead of dragging you to the god damn mall for your birthday (don’t ask). Bonus points if the token oppai girl does a Gainax Bounce.
Good luck dreaming about having your own Harem Beach Fanservice Episode though, because the chances of gathering a group of female friends that comprise of the loli, Genki Girl, teacher with big boobs, and a pair of hot twins are slim-to-none. Not to mention, it’s looks pretty sketchy if you don’t brings guys as well. All hail the speedo.
Also, if your female friends exclusively comprise of those at the beach, then I don’t know what to tell you… ‑shiver-
8. You wake up to find your flat-chested demon servant trying to kill you. Wait, what?
You discover that you’re now a demon prince! Equiped with an epic evil laugh (AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA), you go off on an adventure to become the Overlord of the Netherworld.
You spend your days battling on a grid-based battle field, blowing up penguins and defying the laws of physics. All of a sudden-… Aw shit, you find out it’s just a dream.
7. Start a rock band. Work hard and become the best damn rock band you could ever be.
Just kidding. Why work when you could just beat around the bush all day long, eating sweets, and having fun at the beach (ahhh, yes, the beach… yeah), while still managing to sound good? Pfft, please don’t say you are lazy.
6. If you happen to be turning 10 this year, go on a Pokemon journey. Don’t worry. Since you’re 10, you’re totally independent now and can totally keep yourself alive in those deep, dark forests of the Pokemon world. Especially if you’re female. Don’t worry. Those creepy hikers who haven’t seen some good ass in a while totally won’t Bind you with their Onix (lol) and rape you.
Feel free to take me along with you on the journey. As your trustworthy male sidekick. I won’t do anything funny. (Bonus points if you look like the new female protagonist from Black and White! God bless Pokemon.)
5. You become 15. You wake up and discover that you are a Xingese prince. You may be given HUGELIKEXBOX responsibilities like saving your entire clan from an inevitable death and becoming a just emperor, but there are plenty of good perks that come with it. You get your own Badass Adorable Chinese bodyguard chick that has a not-so-obvious crush on you, you become friends with the FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST, you get insane skills to be able to tie up Gluttony like a bitch, and you get to become Greed, the most badass homunculus in the world. What more could you ask for? Bonus points if you get to 1up Wrath in a fight.
Of course, it’s all probably just a dream, because YOU couldn’t possibly be that awesome.
4. You get to become a Magical Girl. Get your own cute stuffed animal as a side kick and be equiped with some of the longest henshin stock sequences in the world.
“What if I’m a guy,” you ask? You get to be nude for at least five seconds. That’s more than none! Ah, freedom. That feeling, only obtained by going commando in real life. fml
ALTERNATIVE to #4: Wake up on your birthday and find yourself genderswap’d. We all know the first thing you would do.
Bonus points if you were originally a guy and bend over.
3. I know some of you wished you could go to Japan on your birthday and get to be that random foreign guy that spouts out random English, that makes absolutely no sense. I’d like it, you’d like it, the Japanese will turn their heads around and go “WTF”. But who cares? It would be funny as hell.
GET CHANCE AND LUCK!
2. Forget the 360. Get a big drill for your birthday. If you have enough Spiral Energy, you could turn that shit into the biggest weapon known to man. The biggest drill known to man. A drill that’s destined to pierce the heavens.
Or alternatively, you just wasted your birthday money buying a god damned drill. Loser.
1. You wake up and find yourself in the world of hentai. Have unprotected sex. What? It’s not like she’d get pregnant unless she wanted to. Or if you wanted to. Beware of tentacles, for they either make or break your fun (see: individuality). See a girl in the classroom? Screw her. See a girl in the car? Screw her. The park? Have fun. Reading a book? Multitask. Guy that looks like a girl? Ah, what the heck. Rape? She’ll fall in love with you. Sexism? What sexism? It’s a world where nobody judges you. You judge yourself. Especially when you wake up and realize all of the above was just a wet dream. Sicko.
ALTERNATIVE to #1: If you strive for these weird, yet kind-of-awesome (in a way), things to fill in that emptiness in your cruel nerdy heart, join the S.O.S. Brigade on your birthday. They live off of crap like this.
(P.S. Okay, maybe #3 is possible. But seriously, how many people do you actually see attempting it? Be a hero. Put it on YouTube and show it to me. 😛 )